We are in a funk about what to do.  Basically we spent all of our savings to buy our RV.  It was supposed to not need much work, other than making her look pretty and the basic maintenance stuff.  So we spent all of our money.

This time right now was supposed to be for saving money and figuring out how to make a living on the road.  Now any money we have needs to go to the RV.  Getting on the road feels far away.  Very far.

And, living in an RV that is ugly and won’t take us where we want to go is not as much fun as living in a small space that propels us forward toward what we are dreaming about.

(these are some cute pics I took the other day of my kiddos -
to keep my rant here from feeling too depressing! )

The thing is, we  just don’t want to spend our money on the beast.  We are disappointed in her.  She has let us down and we have fallen out of love. So what to do?

Here some of the ideas that are up on the table:

1.  We could continue to stay at my Granny’s house, save some money and fix up the RV.  Then see where we are at with our funds and maybe hit the road before winter strikes again.  But, if we do that, we fear that because it seems we have bought ourselves a lemon, more and more money will be needed to keep her going.  We knew going in that this was an old rig and would need attention over the years.  But, we so trusted that guy and all he said that he did to have her be road worthy  (obviously he lied) and we were not expecting this.  And, even though we are frustrated and angry about the whole thing, I don’t regret it.  One thing I hope to never loose is my trust and faith in people.  Yes, it sucks that we were wrong this time.  But I would rather be wrong than bitter.

2.  We could also continue to stay with The Goose, save some money and buy something else.  Problem with that is that it is going to take some time and even though I love my Granny, staying with her for a long period of time in an RV that we are so not loving at the moment does not seem like alot of fun.  A few months maybe,  but it could take awhile for us to save up enough to buy something we can trust.

3.  We could do something similar to #2, but stay with my mom.  I wouldn’t mind this.  I like my mom, I like her space.  I’ve lived with her before as an adult and it was not bad at all.  Even kind of nice.  But, Don… I don’t think he would last for longer than a few months.  He and my mom get along great.. but I’m just not sure that living together would be the best thing – for either of them.  So, again, this would only be a temporary solution.

4.  We have been really liking this idea, but.. the reality of it starts to sink in and then we are not so sure.  The idea is to buy a bus and do a bus conversion.  This is something that we had talked about doing in the first place.  But the work to do it, the time it will take and the unexpected expenses had us decide against it.  Now that we are faced with a bunch of work to do, needing some time to do it and loads of unexpected expenses, we are thinking why not do all that for a bus instead of our current rig?  That way we end up with exactly what we want in the end.  We have a fantasy that we could work really hard and get this done by the end of the summer.  But, the reality is, it will probably take longer than that.  Don works full time.  We have kids.  Enough said.  So this scenario means either staying with Granny or my mom for a long time, which we have established is not a great solution.  Or, it means that we get an apartment and stay here in the Springs for a year or two while we build the bus.  And, that is just something we don’t want to do.  At all.  Staying for a year max, maybe.  But we are so ready to move on.

5.  So that brings us to the current idea being tossed around.  We move.  To somewhere like Oregon that we both know we like and is a place that we have talked about living.  We stay where we are and save.  Then this summer we sell the RV for whatever we can get for it and leave.  Just go.  Do a mini-road trip to LA to see a dear friend get married then head up the coast toward the pacific northwest.  Explore a bit and pick a spot to land.  Then once we are there and we have jobs and we get back into our routine, we revisit the traveling full time dream.  Which is something we still really want to do. The thing is that if it is going to take some time to make this dream happen, then we might as well be somewhere that we both love and that feels more like home to us.

So there you have it.  We have no idea what to do.  We are leaning toward #5 at the moment, but new thoughts and ideas are popping up all the time, so who knows what we will decide to do.

We are in a funk.  I am not going to lie.  I feel like we are right back where we started.  Not wanting to be living here, but having no money to do anything else.

Being so close to realizing one of our dreams and having our bubble burst loud and messy just sucks.  I feel crushed and sad.  But even more annoying, I feel stuck.  And stuck and me don’t get along very well.  I hate feeling stuck.

So, we are working through it, listening to what is in our hearts, seeing what feels right for us, right here and now.

One thing I know for sure is that I refuse to settle.  I REFUSE!  I will not just say, oh well, maybe dreams just need to stay as dreams.  I won’t do it!  I will not give up living for what is possible and I will not stay stuck.  One thing I know is that we will figure this out.  Whatever we choose will be perfect and the right thing for us.

Life is pushing us to be true to who we are and trust ourselves and what we want for ourselves and for our children.  Maybe our faith in dreaming is just needing to be tested right now before the universe gives us exactly what we want.

In the mean time, while we wait, while we figure this one out.  We are here, working on being in the moment, connecting to ourselves, our children and each other.  I feel really close to my husband right now, we are so in this together.  And that is, more than anything, all we really want.  To love and be here with each other.